Unloved

What's the day today? Oh, it's Thursday. It has been 2 days my mother, my OWN mother, refused to talk to me. Just now, she suddenly stormed in my room and shut off all the power source in my room. While I was using my PC! What's wrong with her?

It's all because I was showing my attitude. It's not on purpose, I'd like to say that, but I doubt people will believe.

I don't have anyone to talk to. Before this, when she had problems, I listened to all of them, even though I'm not of much help. When it's me who have problem, who can I talk to? I don't have others to tell my feelings. I only have this blog.

I looked for jobs like she wanted to and got one, still refused to talk to me. I won't say I'm not in the wrong, but to hate me that much, am I really her daughter?

All this time, I always believe in her. Even though she never believed in me. My aunt said she love my brothers more than me, which I feel that's the truth.

Now I wish to live alone. Not letting others in my life. I don't believe in marriage anymore. I think it's better if it ends with me, not passed down to my future children. At least when I live alone, I won't be others' burden and trash. I'll be my own burden.

Ps. Pray hard for me to be able to get out of this life I'm having, please!
Pps. Yes I know there are others' life harder than me. I just wish to be loved for what I am.

Last words

Hah... mom hit me for something i said. She's throwing me out! Strange. I don't feel a thing.

She said she don't need a child like me. For something so trivial, she punished me like this. I just said the truth. She snapped. It's true, truth hurts.

I don't like her whining about the life we're having anyway. If she pray that i'll die, pray hard. Because no one wants to keep trash in their home.

These are my last days. Mark my words, if i live longer than expected, they will cling on me for their dear life. Because i'll be the one who will give them what they need. if i don't, just remember there is one whiny girl in this blogspace who wants attention from her own mother.

Gasping for Air

Yesterday, I received a message from my mom asking me how to connect the laptop to the internet via broadband. The message stopped halfway without any chance for me to know whether she found the WiFi switch or not.

Today, she ask again. I replied immediately. Suddenly, she's getting emotional with me. Saying that I'm not helping her. You see, every time she ask me about something, we'll end up arguing. And you guessed it, it broke my heart and I cried. I guess she doesn't trust me anymore. Well, it's not like she trusted me before. I actually don't understand, how did she managed to think that I'm showing off to her. I don't understand.

Imagine, you are messaging someone. Suddenly, the person said you are not doing anything to help or you are saying useless things. You might get angry, right? It shatters you confidence, right?

Actually, my mom is working far from home. Now she live separately from us. Often I thought that the culture there changed her. Everyday, she is suspicious of my dad having affairs. Who would she ask? ME! But do you think she'd believe me? NO. Well, that's my everyday life now.

You know, calling would make it a lot better. You can hear how the tone is like, unlike messages. Less misunderstandings. But she won't pick up! I'm depressed.

I have no one to talk to now. I'm on my own. I can't talk to my dad, it would cause more troubles. Not my brothers, no... they never look at me properly when talking about serious stuff. My friends have their own life now. I can't bother them. I'm too shy to talk about this to my relatives or cousins. I don't really trust them.

I'm running in circle. There is no end of all this. I sense divorce is close between my parents. I'm still jobless. Where could I go? How will I survive? Is the only way of this life... DEATH? I can't take it anymore. It's not like I'm important in anybody's life anyway. Nor my parents'. They always argue with each other.

I feel like dying. I want to run away. I want to be close to someone. I feel insecure. I feel useless. I'm an idiot. I should die. Yes, I should die.

Lost My Beloved

I was a fish mom. But now I've lost my children. I cried for some times. It's very hard for me. I can't even look at their tank. That just makes me glisten in tears. I won't get one anymore. Not in near future. Maybe I'll try planting vegetables after this.

UFC like

Remember what I told you last time? That I have fallen in love with a jerk? Yeah, that one.

Today, we were fighting. Yep, literally. And now we are in the cold period. And if you really not remember, or rather don't want to, we are friends. Best friend.

It started with a tease. That jerk tried to get it back at me. And it was painful! I teased twice. TWICE. But that jerk decided to reply it tenfold. Because I already know it was painful, I protected myself.

But how? I did a jerk-lock. I locked that jerk like in the UFC. Truthfully. As we all know, jerks have pride. And I hurt that jerk's pride. All of the fighting cost me my glasses and my skin, and my sweats.

I'm stronger. Bigger. And that jerk's hurt. I got back at him. Want to be a man? I give you one. Man-style. I was satisfied. I don't feel sorry for that jerk. I don't know why.

And I don't feel anything anymore. Like a human without love to give. Maybe my heart gone cold. Thanks to everyone who broke me, though. Now, no one can get close to my heart.

Be Nice or Leave

I just called my mom. Guess what, it ended up bad. We argue about subscribing mobile Internet. What?? Yes, what.

I just told her that my broadband has recycled to a new bill, so it's due to be paid. I'm not telling her to go and pay it for me. Suddenly she told me to buy the mobile Internet. I have no problem with that, I just don't want to. I spent RM10 last time for Internet and now the quota is finished. Then, she said I'm not listening to her. I don't understand why did she scold me for. She said I don't think of other alternative even if I want the Internet. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE INTERNET. If I have it, that's cool. If I don't, that's cool too.

But why is that, she insisted me to buy it? Why I'm being scolded? Why?

Now I feel bad. It's not my fault, but arguing with our beloved mother is actually not good. Without her, I won't be here.

So, I just hope she stop insisting and just move on. Can I just tell her that I did what she told me to do, even if I didn't do it?

Just want a piece of mother love,
L

This World is not For Happy People

Hmm... Have you ever wonder you are being used? And have you ever feel you feel happy too much, you might hurt and cry later? That's what I feel right now.

I'm not used to judge people whom I liked. Be it friends or family. As famous quote said "Love is blind". Yes, that's what happens to me now.

People around me always ask me, 'She's using you, don't you feel angry?'. My answer was always 'Did she?' I never realized that. Are you like that too? Maybe I'm still naive.

Hehe... if it's the opposite, I mean, the people I don't like or the one who made me hate them, then I'll be all judgey and mean! I mean it! Honestly, I don't always hate people. As my friend said I'm too kind for my own sake, but I doubt that. I'm a humble human after all.  Human is not a consistent being.

And... recently I think I'm feeling too happy. Am I predicting a bad thing will befall on me later? I'm no fortune teller. But it's always like that. In the morning, I'm feeling bubbly and such, then suddenly in the afternoon, I faced things I don't like and my bubble popped. Just like that. That's just not fair!

I am being serious here, if you think I'm just blantantly saying. It's weird to post such thing anyway. Haha... Well, I'm weird, so it's OK.

Thanks for the time you wasted here, reading my unworthy post.

Take care,

L

Almost There!

How time flies by~ I'm a semester away from graduation! Oh my, is this a dream? I don't know what to wish for anymore.

Hey, wanna tell you something. This year, I fell. Literally and psychologically. Really!
Literally, I fell and broke my left middle toe. Ouch! It hurts like crazy, trust me. I was alone at that time so I was the one who took care of myself. Friends? Nope. They just ask how I was out of concern and that's it. Hoping for sympathy? Nope. I knew nothing they can do. So, I won't judge. It's better this way.

Psychologically, I fell in love. Yup. With a friend. But as you know I'm always a negative person there is, I've been rejected. I was said I'm confused by my feelings. Confused? Am I? How did you know that? In my 'loving-heart' opinion, maybe I am. In my common sense, that person is a jerk! And you'd guess I will give up, do you? Wrong! Having a girlfriend or not, I want YOU, you jerk! I confessed first. In irony, I'm a bestie of that jerk. I might as well be a jerk.

That's it! It's not really a whine. I think. Meh. Ooowkayyy... end of boring story. Thanks for taking your time.

Thanks, L

New Life, New Agenda

Yo! How long has it been since my last whines. Now I'm a degree student! I just had my mid term break last week. It was a total refresher!

I started my semester on my birthday. And I was glad some of my friends remembered. But then, I also thought of what I did in the past 24 years of my life. Not that I regret it, but somehow it's different from after my birthday.

Now, I'm very busy with my assignments. As a student, it's my responsibility, but I still can't accept the workloads. I should adjust to it quickly, even though it's already mid semester.

The problem now is my relatives. It's not related with above statements. Last Saturday was my cousin's engagement. They held it at the bride's house near my house district. District? I'm not sure, but I'd call Taman if in Malay. No matter. They said they would go with us to the bride's house TOGETHER! However, they didn't. In fact they called after they finished. How does that sound to you? It's not keeping promise, right? Now we are banning any contacts with the relatives for some time until we simmer down to a good level. Sounds like a plan? Yes, it is a plan of world abomination.

Thanks for reading till the end. It's a mumbling from the start of this blog is in fact until forever. If this is not for you, just move on. I'm not trying to interfere with your way of thinking. But I can be possibly change by you.


Excuse the grammar. I had left this blog long enough to forget my instinct grammar.

Thanks, L

Office War

What is in that bitch's head? Lowering me like that? Make me lose face and lose faith in her. All this time I'm trying to be nice with her. But look, she's snipes me when she has the chance to. It seems like an advice, but I don't really believe it is an advice.

What?
I keep downloading at work? You think it's for whom?
I keep Facebook-ing at work? You did worse. And for the record I didn't Facebook when I'm on jobs.
I'm modifying the office PC? Hey, I helped you when your PC hanged and lagged. Thanks to whom, your PC is good again? The IT guy? Nah, he never bother.

You see, this is why it is important to be someone higher than others in the office. Well, that bitch is older in age (old bitch!), so she thinks she have the right to nag me. Hah! Dream on, bitch! Even my mother nag better than you.

Well, all I can say, in this wretched office environment, everyone is being plastic and hypocrites. And I hate my life now. I might end it one day.

ごきげんよう!

SPM

My baby brother is sitting for SPM this year. It is tough for him, yes I know. My mom keep nagging me to help him in his revisions, but I can't really push him my way, can I? He already have his tuition classes, at more than 2 tuition centres, so I don't really bother. But my mom's nagging is very annoying.

However, each time I teach him or guide his revision, he seems like he know nothing of what is in front of him, like never attended the whole lesson. Am I hallucinating? No. I suspected he'd been dallying around in his lessons. And I'm afraid that my thought is becoming true.

I really love him, compare to my brother below me. Yes, I admit that I'm a bit bias in love for my brothers. Who doesn't love her baby brother? Even so, I'm starting to worry of his future, for he is too spoilt by my parents, compared to me and his big brother. He has no future plans, just being a fan of motorcycles, cars and music. I don't think he can make a career out of those three. I just can't see it. 

So, what he is going to be? Pursuing tourism just like me? Seems like a plan, however, he's not interested. 

I don't really know, exactly. I just hope he will succeed in whatever he'll pursue in the future and never regretting like I once did.

Handling Bossy People (not your boss!)

I hate people bossing me around when they have no right to do so!

So, I came up with some ideas (which is passive, I think) to pay them back!

• Order them around without them realizing
• Take every chance to make them do something for you
• Take every chance to refuse their demands, whenever possible
• Learn to insistingly say 'NO!'
• Ignore them up to 3 times, when they are calling for you in one time.
• Search for their weaknesses and use it against them whenever possible
• Be confident! Importantly, NO MERCY!

That's it! That's all I can think of. If it doesn't work, please tell me. Let's control the population of this bossy species. It's not like I hate following orders, but when they went overboard, that's where I think you should act. And when you try implementing my ideas to your subjects, just make sure you don't make yourself look bad. Be as covert as possible! Good luck, cadet! 

Good day!

Cleaning Up the MESS

In my head, it's messier...

It is already a month since I've completed my internship. This also mark a month of my job at the same workplace. Yes, I already received my first ouh-I'm-so-excited salary. Not much but enough for me. Everything remain the same except there are more work now, and more trust.

I'm being lazy on my crochet work, so I'm unprocrochetinating on my projects. Busy with life does not include my projects, lately it seems.

Enough babbling. Yesterday, my same-age cousin got engaged with a Johorean. Makes me think WHEN will be my time. Damn it! Damn it all. OK, I admit that I'm jealous. Maybe mine is being someone's before being mine. I met many ungentle guys in my entire life. I rather be in friends with those guys so I can casually smack their faces without being sued. I can handle rude friends but not rude lovers. I'm not an M.

Blogging at work makes me feel mature. Yup, it is only imaginary. I'm still young, I can imagine anything that I want! I really don't wanna be older. But if time stops, there will be no progression in what I did and there will be no chance for me to do other stuff... Yes, I imagine when time stops, everybody is frozen, in time.

Babbling again. Sorry. I'm cleaning my thoughts, that's why I'm posting this mess here. So feel free to read it and if you are kind enough please help me sort it out.

Internship

It's already a month! I've got 3 months more to complete my internship.

I am an intern in a ground operation company. An intermediate between travel agencies and clients. More to a tour wholesaler, though.

I don't know if  it's legal to mention the company's name, but I choose not to because it might end up bad.

Well, my time here is great. Not too many work I need to do. But sometimes bored with no task at hand. I always ask for any task that can be done by me. I'm a person who cannot sit still, or I'll be drifted toMaybe I'm not much of help because I just started this internship a month ago.

Maybe next time I'll can give my best shot and can be of help to everyone in this office.

I've got my own mission after all.

Pray for my success!

MUET

MUET. Mine is on the July session.

Why should I be the one who bears all the mistakes? I'm tired of all of these. You must be wondering why...

You know MUET? It's Malaysian University English Test. Yeah, I haven't sit for it even though I'm already in the final year of university.

You see, my brother too sit for MUET this year. Yes, with me. At the same school. Our previous school. I know I am the one to blame, cause I delay in registering for that damn thing. But why is everybody angry with me? That brother of mine did the same thing too. He delayed his registration too. But why he's not being yell at? Because he's your dear, Mom? What about me, then? Somebody else's shit?

My mom suddenly yell at me just because I procrastinate. I know I'm a lady now, but you see, I'm not the kind of a girl that just accept what people throw at me. I still think I'm immature. Still lots to learn. But why so serious? I just don't like that. I'm just hoping that my parents be nice when asking about or ordering about that doesn't concern their future. She's mad at me like I'm doing something horrible. My father too blame me for what just happened. "You shouldn't do this!""Why are you behaving like this?""If you don't wanna do it, just tell me earlier, I can save my money!!"etc...

That makes me thinking, should I do something bad? The outcome will be the same anyway - being yell at.

I just registered for MUET just now. We are going to sit for it this July. I hope I can get off day for it. I'm starting my practical next Monday.

P/S: All of the things that happened in my life makes me stronger and more stubborn. I tend to solve problems with silence. Silence is virtue, right? I don't like being a girlish lady, but rather be a wise one. I don't like being a grown-up, but being a girl forever will not get you anywhere. Just let me be me, procrastinate and all, because I can only process info slowly, but I'll get there in time.

P P/s: Please understand me MORE, my dear parents. I can hate people easily, I know I have no place to say this but I am sure you don't understand me well, because I feel abandoned at times. I always try to understand your thoughts and feelings even though it's not very clear or I force my way through it. I'm not fine being hated, and I know you scold me to teach me, but please refrain using that fucking-sarcasm-cursing words that you forbid us to use.


Good night, my readers. To friends who read this, thank you for being a caring friend. Salam to you.

Shutting out REALITY

It have been a hard week for this family. Common problem, impossible to solve - MONEY. I don't know how to solve it with my immature mind. It's true, since my parents never let me feel the extreme hardship they face for living.

I want to do something to lessen my mom's finance. I can't think of anything. If only my trip to Kuching, Sarawak need no money and my st*pid bro didn't make problem. You know, he wreck his friend's car. Yes, that require lots of money. Lots.

I saw my mom cried and I think it's time I really need to find something to make money. I'm good at crocheting but I don't have enough enthusiasm to make lots of products at a time.

My last hope is becoming a runner; selling nasi lemak in the college. MYR10 for an hour, 3 days a week seems fair to me. This time, I won't tell my mother. It's a good way to exercise too. You would do it to, coz you you can exercise and getting money!

OK, even though I'm feeling like abandoning that idiot, he's still my brother. It's painful to see when my mother is ignoring that idiot. I just hope he ask for forgiveness from Mom A.S.A.P.

I'm in dilemma. But you know, all of them are family. I just hope there's a light at the end of this horrible tunnel.

Hating someone again

It has been a while since my last post.

And Yes, as this post title, I'm hating someone again. This time, it's my brother. There are problems with his attitude. No respect for me, and I'm being looked down. Why? Because I'm childish? Because I'm silly, irrelevant? He's no different, either.

Just now, I ask him to put back things he used. I'm just asking him POLITELY! And he' saying '"SHUT UP!" to me! TO ME! How dare he! Who is he to say SHUT UP to me? He has no right! He is just my little brother! He is going too far.

And my mother too, why is she ignoring what that boy done to me? Am I someone who are not important in this family? I bet they won't feel sad once I'm dead.

Maybe some of you feel that he was just saying that, casually. But you know, he always verbally attacking me. Yes, I know I'm not that quick witted like my brother, in fact I'm slow on thinking of serious matters. But I don't understand why he dare to ignore me like I'm nobody to him?

Maybe because I have many failures in my life? I mentioned this before in previous posts. Yes, I admit that I failed many times. But I learning from my mistakes, even though it's hard.

All I hope is a place in this house. A respect for me. I have a pride too. I'm not a stone. I have feelings. I pretend to not care on hurtful things about myself, because I really don't want to mess things up.Other people say bad things behind my back, I don't want my own family do the same to me.

p/s: I'm not being selfish.

Hisashiburi~

Oh, cobwebs everywhere! *cleaning, dusting*

I know it has been soooo looong... It's fasting month again. And Hari Raya is approaching! Without me realizing, it has been more than 1 year~ Hooray! I'm sorry to those who still follow this blog. I know! Forgive me for my laziness. Maybe you can tell me what's your plan this Hari Raya?

p/s: I'm no more a dark person. Thanks to my not-so-long-but-painful life experience.

After so long...

Wow! I can't believe I've reached semester 4 again. I just hope I won't get dismiss this time.

I still got my college privileges. but in other college. I'm in Dang Wangi college! New roommates, new environment, new perspective. Mom always said not to be too close with just anybody. But you see, I'm an over-friendly person so it's difficult not to be close with people.

Just recently, I noticed my friends is ignoring me. Maybe it's just over-reaction, right?

I think I've changed. Personally, I think I'm being more girly (hey! i know I'm a girl!). You see, before this I don't mind being soaked with sweat or being under the sun, but now I feel uncomfortable even when I just sweat a little. Am I really changing? I don't want to be cranky.

There are lots of thoughts still unwritten to this blog. It's still revolving in my mind, scattered. Maybe I'll continue when I get my thoughts together.

Today, let me curse in Malay!

I'm sorry if you don't understand this, but this time, I feel like cursing in Malay would make that bitch understand!

Here I go...
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Kau ingat kau tu bagus sangat ke? Jangan ingat kau tu Ketua Level, kau tu dh cukup bagus la! Kau tu baru je nak hidup la! Bangang la kau sebab berani tengking aku! Memang sekarang aku tulis dalam blog je. Dah la selama ni kau tak pernah nak hormat aku, jangan harap aku nak hormat kau balik. Ko pun selama ni tak pernah senyum balik pun kat aku. kau tak rasa bersalah ke? Kau memang tak ada kena mengena dengan hidup aku. Aku tak mau libatkan mak bapak kau, tapi aku rasa kesian kat mak bapak kau sebab sia2 diorang ajar kau tapi kau tak pernah nak ikut! SIAL la kau! Kau memang sengaja cari pasal dengan aku! Aku takkan maafkan kau selagi kau tak melutut minta maaf dengan aku!

Aku harap aku takkan jumpa spesies macam kau lagi. Aku dah muak. Spesies macam kau cuma berlagak bagus, tapi tak sedar kelemahan diri. Sudah2 la tu buat masam muka dengan aku. Lebih baik kau pergi kerja kt kilang asam jawa, boleh tolong tokey kilang tu kaya. Jangan sebab perangai kau yang macam tu, sejarah hidup kau jadi hitam.
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Oh, you wish you want to know how it became like this? It's because I make her wait outside till I unlock the door. OK, fine. I was a bit late. But if it is you, you can wait PATIENTLY, right? No need to slam the door afterwards. After this I'll slam the door every time before going to class. I hope her sleep will be ugly!