Gasping for Air

Yesterday, I received a message from my mom asking me how to connect the laptop to the internet via broadband. The message stopped halfway without any chance for me to know whether she found the WiFi switch or not.

Today, she ask again. I replied immediately. Suddenly, she's getting emotional with me. Saying that I'm not helping her. You see, every time she ask me about something, we'll end up arguing. And you guessed it, it broke my heart and I cried. I guess she doesn't trust me anymore. Well, it's not like she trusted me before. I actually don't understand, how did she managed to think that I'm showing off to her. I don't understand.

Imagine, you are messaging someone. Suddenly, the person said you are not doing anything to help or you are saying useless things. You might get angry, right? It shatters you confidence, right?

Actually, my mom is working far from home. Now she live separately from us. Often I thought that the culture there changed her. Everyday, she is suspicious of my dad having affairs. Who would she ask? ME! But do you think she'd believe me? NO. Well, that's my everyday life now.

You know, calling would make it a lot better. You can hear how the tone is like, unlike messages. Less misunderstandings. But she won't pick up! I'm depressed.

I have no one to talk to now. I'm on my own. I can't talk to my dad, it would cause more troubles. Not my brothers, no... they never look at me properly when talking about serious stuff. My friends have their own life now. I can't bother them. I'm too shy to talk about this to my relatives or cousins. I don't really trust them.

I'm running in circle. There is no end of all this. I sense divorce is close between my parents. I'm still jobless. Where could I go? How will I survive? Is the only way of this life... DEATH? I can't take it anymore. It's not like I'm important in anybody's life anyway. Nor my parents'. They always argue with each other.

I feel like dying. I want to run away. I want to be close to someone. I feel insecure. I feel useless. I'm an idiot. I should die. Yes, I should die.